Suicide

I have been thinking about the death of fashion designer L’wren Scott since her suicide was reported several months ago. We were about the same age, she was beautiful, in what seemed to be a happy relationship with a business that seemed to be growing and successful. I have been trying to understand what drives someone to take their own life, to be so depressed that death seems the only option for release. And is there anything I could do to help people in my life that might be in that much despair. And with yesterday’s announcement of the death by apparent suicide of Robin Williams it brought all the questions flooding back again: Why? How could I have helped? Is there anyone I see or in my daily life that is struggling? What could I do? What should I do?

I know and love people with addictions and thankfully they have figured out ways to get clean or stay sober and I am in awe of their commitment and the work that they put in every day to get this far and live a sober life. I try to understand the addiction part, but I don’t know that I will ever truly understand. I just hope if they ever need help or are feeling themselves slipping that they will reach out and ask for my help or the help of someone who loves and cares for them.

I have a couple of friends that have taken antidepressants at different times in their lives, after a divorce and after a terrible breakup and job loss. They describe the despair, lethargy, sadness, loneliness and the difficulty doing even the simplest tasks. I just can’t imagine how hard that was for them, but I am so thankful that they were strong enough to seek help and that it actually worked for them. Both are now no longer taking drugs and are happy, back into life and feeling better.

I have been looking a few different sites about suicide prevention and I found the step-by-step advice on www.Suicideispreventable.org easy to use with helpful information – Know the signs, Find the Words and Reach Out. Find resources and have them on hand so that you are prepared, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available at 1-800-273-8255. They also say if you think the situation is critical take the person to the nearest emergency room or call 9-1-1. They have a lot more information to help you approach a conversation with someone you care about and love. If you need help they also have a link at the top of the page “GET HELP” that will link you to resources, help and someone to talk to about how your feeling and what you need. Please call.

I hope everyone has at least one person in their lives that they know loves and cares about them and wants them here with them and to help them find a reason to live.

Take care of yourself and take care of each other.

Mindful Living

Eating better, a coffee addiction, stress, lack of exercise and “living to work, rather than working to live” have all been on my mind lately. With probably one of the most stressful stretches of work in the last few months contributing to my sleepless nights, poor eating habits and coffee addiction, I am trying to make changes in my life to break the cycle. But man it is hard! Habits you are in are hard to break and habits you want to get into are hard to form.

On the eating better front, I try to buy healthy food and snacks; but when I get home exhausted and stressed out I don’t feel like cooking and cleaning up and end up eating something unhealthy or ordering in food that is also less than healthy and expensive. And then the healthy food I did buy on the weekend with good intentions ends up going to waste adding to my guilt over wasting money and food. It’s a vicious, vicious circle.

My coffee addiction, at least one or two “skinny vanilla lattes” every morning is needed or my day doesn’t really get started. My husband bought me a really nice Pasquiani espresso maker a few years ago for my birthday and I love it. I love it for many reasons, first I don’t have to get my clothes on and run to the local coffee place for my latte in the morning, second it’s much cheaper to make the latte at home with my own ingredients. But I still sometimes end up going to Starbucks or wherever to get another one because I just can wake up. And according to a recent New York Times article by Anna North the coffee addiction is just another fast food problem in America, here’s an excerpt;

“But the notion that lattes are a sign of privilege may be off-base. Kyla Wazana Tompkins, a professor of English and gender and women’s studies who’s a former food journalist and the author of “Racial Indigestion: Eating Bodies in the 19th Century,” told Op-Talk that “the latte, while it may be attached on a certain level to too much upper-class food knowledge and pretension, it really is no longer an upper-class drink.” She explained: “No matter how many kale salads Starbucks puts in their case, Starbucks is a fast-food purveyor.” The latte, she argued, “is a high-calorie food that’s being pushed in an industrialized way largely to working-class people.” And, she added, “it’s important to think about the explosion of all of these industrialized lattes, all these frozen lattes, all the Frappuccinos, as links to a larger problem of creating cheap, high-calorie, low-nutrition food for working-class people.”“

I am not sure I totally agree with the “high-calorie” bit, while it is true you can get an 800 calorie frappuchino at any coffee outlet, just like you can get a 1,500 calorie meal at McDonalds, it is still about choices. My choice rings in at a reasonable 120 calories. But that gets back to what are the choices we are making in our lives. Do we consume 1,500 at lunch and then go back to our homes and sit on our butts watching TV or playing video games and then consuming our 1,5000 calorie dinner and going to bed. Or are we ordering a reasonable meal, getting some exercise and only occasionally indulging in a high calorie treat? We all have choices and make them everyday, either mindfully with intention or mindlessly to compensate for things that are missing in our lives or just plain out of a bad habit.

I also wrote recently about my attempt to “Learn Something New” and my new SUP boarding fun. But this also comes down to making time for exercise and doing something that is good for your mind and body. With 50+ hour work weeks, stress and the demands of family, pets, kids etc it can be very hard to fit in those things that are fun and good for you, but I am trying to make time for them because when I think about their importance to a healthy life I know that they are as critical as going to the dentist regularly and healthy eating.

Stress, work/life balance and taking better care of myself all seem problems I can’t seem to get control of and it’s my fault because I make my choices; consciously or unconsciously. Sometimes it feels like I take one step forward and two steps backwards in my conscience living attempts. But, I know it’s for my own good to keep trying, keep learning and keep improving and I will get there some day.

Do you have any tips for mindful living and making better life choices?

Learning Something New and Getting Off My Ass

Paddle Boarding or more specifically SUP (Stand-up Paddle) Boarding has become my new addiction, even though I am only on day four I am pretty sure I’m in for the long haul. I have been wanting to try this sport for some time now and had plans to do it on our last California road-trip instead of surfing(which I also really want to try, but am freaked out by the whole shark aspect of the sport). I had scouted out a couple of companies down around Santa Cruz where we were supposed to be headed this year and was already to go try it for the first time, but if you have read my previous post you know that our trip was canceled.

So, in an attempt to salvage my now “staycation” I went in search of a local rental/lesson board shop here around the Olympia area. Lucky me I found West Bay Paddleboards and Owner Chris Fry. I called Monday morning to see if I could get in for a lesson, “yes” he had an opening at 2pm.

I was pretty nervous, afraid I was going to make a fool out of myself, drown or I don’t know, run into a boat. Chris gave me a demo of the basics, how to get on, how to stand up, how to turn, paddle, stop and emergency brake. He then walked me through getting on the board and paddling around on my knees a little bit to get used to the paddling strokes and the feel of the board. Then it was step by step on how to stand up, the next thing I knew I was standing, with my heart pounding and my paddle in the water heading out in the open water. Oh my goodness, even through my fears, I knew I was going to love this.

My second day I went out by myself and paddled around in relative silence watching the seals sun themselves on the log piles and seeing a few of them bob their heads up to take a look at me. It was a great day on the water taking in the view of my city with the capital shining in the distance, the marina full of boats softly bobbing in the light waves and the huge rock in the harbor with 3 herons looking for their next meal. It was a lovely feeling of freedom and pride and happiness all rolled into one.

Capital from Budd Inlet

Day three was another perfect day and I decided to test my comfort zone a bit and headed out the furthest from shore and my dock that I had been so far. I got a bit concerned when a big black sail boat was heading right in my direction, but I busted it into high gear and got the heck out of the way. Then some out of towner who clearly wasn’t paying attention to the “no wake zone” came flying through the bay so I got to make my way through a couple of good-sized (well for a beginner on her own they were good sized) waves. I was definitely feeling more confident by the end of my third ride.

The time alone on the water seems to help me clear my head, begin to set some priorities and help me start thinking more directly about the things I want in my life. Yes, it was that good, plus it got me off my ass!

Have you been waiting to try something you have always thought would be fun?

Disappointment and Fear

The only thing sustaining me through these last few hellish weeks of work has been the thought of going on our summer road trip. I have been having dreams about sitting on the beach with my toes in the sand watching the sunset with a nice tall G&T in my hand. For me, that is a slice of heaven, but unfortunately there will be no heaven this week.

On Friday, the day before we were supposed to leave for our trip, the day we were supposed to be loading up our car to head out on the open road my husband began spitting up blood. This is how our 10 days stint in the hospital started last December, so we took it pretty seriously. It just so happened that he had an appointment at the anticoagulation clinic scheduled for Friday morning so we decided to take him there first before trying to get any other appointments or hitting the emergency room. It turned out that his Warfarin was way off, like almost 50% higher than it was supposed to be, and that was likely the cause of the bleeding. So with instructions on how to get his blood levels back to where they are supposed to be we headed home for a day of resting.

On Saturday morning I had high hopes that he would be feeling better and at least well enough to sit in the car while I drove us south. He said he wanted to go and wished to go and he was feeling better, but that he was too scared to be away. “What if something happens like last time?” I understood, but was still very, very disappointed. I went back to bed.

His lungs are not going to get any better and he knows it, but his lungs are not in nearly as bad of shape as some people in my life have been. Still when things like this happen I think he feels like the end is near and that death is knocking on his door and he get sad, depressed and mopey. I then find myself giving him the platitude pep talk; “Do you want to live what’s left of your life sad and depressed? If you do, why keep living?”, “You are so lucky and are in a lot better shape than many men your age and you better start appreciating it, because it’s not going to get any better than it is.“, “You have to stop wishing you were 25 again because you’re not.”, “Are you going to spend your remaining years sad and unhappy? Cause that’s no way to live!” He then responds, “I know.” “I’ll get out of my funk” and then he feels better and get’s out of his funk and we start to enjoy life again.

But I am still in a little funk, just bummed out that our trip didn’t happen and trying to make the best of it. I was thinking about just heading back into work this week and trying to save the vacation for another time, but I need a break from that place even if it is just at home. The weather is supposed to be sunny and hot here all week, so I think to get myself in a better state of mind I am going to try to learn something new and use a day to discover something new about home.

Do you have someone in your life that is dealing with health issues? How do you help them stay positive?

Walking for Make-A-Wish

The little boy in the picture is my good buddy Logan. He was diagnosed with Leigh’s disease about two years ago after years of diagnostic testing. Leigh’s is a Mitochondrial disease. You can read more about Leigh’s disease here and here. But the short explanation is:

“Leigh’s disease, genetic mutations in mitochondrial DNA interfere with the energy sources that run cells in an area of the brain that plays a role in motor movements. The primary function of mitochondria is to convert the energy in glucose and fatty acids into a substance called adenosine triphosphate (ATP). The energy in ATP drives virtually all of a cell’s metabolic functions. Genetic mutations in mitochondrial DNA, therefore, result in a chronic lack of energy in these cells, which in turn affects the central nervous system and causes progressive degeneration of motor functions.” There is no cure.

Logan is the sweetest, funniest, smartest and kindest boy I have ever met with the strongest spirit of anyone I know. He was granted a wish from Make-A-Wish foundation to go to Disneyland last year. It was an amazing time for the family to get to relax, be taken care of and enjoy their time together. They continue to talk about what a special experience it was and the outstanding team from Make-A-Wish.

So this year, as a way of giving back to an organization that gave them such a special memory and to help other children get that same chance, Brandy (Logan’s Mom), Logan and their family are participating in the Make-A-Wish walk in September. And lucky me, I was invited to join them at the walk and of course help them raise money for our participation.

So I have pledged to try to raise at least $100 prior to the September 14th walk and am hoping that some of my readers might want to help support my walk by pledging a donation to Make-A-Wish. Any donation, big or small would be greatly appreciated.

I promise to take lots of pictures and share the experience of the day with everyone.

Thank you for your consideration!

No Refrain

Those unasked questions with answers never revealed.

Those questions haunt me and now with death forever sealed.

Why didn’t you ask a friend will say.

Because I always thought I’d have a chance another day.

I live with regret and not just a chosen few.

Those unasked questions stunt my life and dim my view.

A better daughter and more faithful friend,

what a different relationship it could have been.

Some chances lost, but other still remain.

So I’ll ask those questions now without refrain.

Shark, Swordfish and Cod – Oh My!

As a girl who has grown up and lived her entire life in the Pacific Northwest, enjoyed the easy access to our many waterways, fished for fun and is an enthusiastic seafood consumer some of the scientific information coming out about the state of our oceans is very sad and alarming.

A recent PBS news report “7 Questions to Ask Before You Eat That Shrimp” talks about the unsustainable and harmful fishing practices that are damaging our waterways and ultimately us and the planet.

“At this point, across the planet, large pelagic predators, big fish, big shark, are being removed at a very high rate. So without a better international plan for management, there could be a time when there are parts of the ocean in which the trophic cascade has tipped so far that all you have is jellyfish in the sea.” Quote from Barbara Block, professor of Marine Sciences Evolutionary, Cellular and Molecular Physiology, at Stanford University

Whole portions of our oceans with no life but jellyfish and dead-zones in the Gulf of Mexico and other parts of the world from all the fertilizers and other contaminants used along the Mississippi Watershed and around the world are sad environmental impacts where humans are the responsible party.

“The average size of the dead zone over the past five years has been 5,176 square miles, more than twice the 1,900 square mile goal set by the Gulf of Mexico / Mississippi River Watershed Nutrient Task Force in 2001 and reaffirmed in 2008.”

It can be daunting to be an informed consumer, but the article on PBS made reference to Seafood Watch, part of the Monterey Bay Aquarium and I found they have some great printable pocket guides to help you buy and consume safe, sustainably caught fish in your region. Here is the one I printed this morning for the West Coast.

About Seafood Watch:

“The Monterey Bay Aquarium Seafood Watch program helps consumers and businesses make choices for healthy oceans. Our recommendations indicate which seafood items are “Best Choices,” “Good Alternatives,” and which ones you should “Avoid.””

At the grocery store the Environmental Defense Fund recommends you look for the “country-of-origin labeling” aka C.O.O.L labels to help you make informed decisions. They also have other information and tools on their site to help you be an informed consumer and make choices that are better for you, your family and the environment.

“Of some help to consumers is country-of-origin labeling (also known as C.O.O.L.). In place since 2005, this labeling requires that large retailers (such as supermarkets) selling fresh or frozen fish indicate the country the fish came from and whether it is wild-caught or farm-raised.”

Another problem of non sustainable fishing practices and some commercial fishing operations is “bycatch”;

Sea Turtle in a pile of bycatch – photo from Karumbe from Seeturtles.org website.

The definition of bycatch, as stated in the Magnuson-Stevens Fishery Conservation and Management Act, is:

“Fish which are harvested in a fishery, but which are not sold or kept for personal use, and includes economic discards and regulatory discards. Such term does not include fish released alive under a recreational catch and release fishery management program.“

Infographic from Oceana

In some cases, studies have shown for every one pound of shrimp caught in these unsustainable fishing operations SIX pounds of “bycatch” is discarded. From the Seafood Watch bycatch page:

“Many fisheries around the world throw away more fish than they keep. Some of the biggest offenders are shrimp fisheries. In the worst cases, for every pound of shrimp caught, up to six pounds of other species are discarded. And this incidental catch of unwanted or unsellable species, known as “bycatch,” doesn’t just include fish—turtles, seabirds and other animals also suffer.”

It can be hard to make informed choices and many times the healthier, environmentally friendlier options are more costly, but even with obstacles to making informed choices and cost I think it is worth the effort and the price to try. If we all don’t at least try this planet hasn’t any chance of sustaining us into the future.

Do you make environmentally influenced food choices?

The Fear Effect

Fear is a familiar friend,

it sucks my life without end.

Fear of what I don’t always know,

it’s always there, a common foe.

As I write these words I have my doubts.

Don’t write, it’s crap. Will fear win out?

Is fear my excuse or why I fail

or why I don’t make the attempt and chase my tail?

Everyone gets scared at times, of this I’m fairly certain,

but the ones who win the game are those who show fear a hurtin!

Awhile back I wrote a post about my Nagging Omission with my husband. Well recently I pulled off that bandage, faced my fear and went all in with a quick rip. First I showed my blog to my husband, letting him read several of the stories. And then I emailed most of my family about my writing and gave them a link to my site.

The good news is my world did not crash in, my husband didn’t ask for a divorce and now knows I do not have an internet lover. I haven’t had any irate calls from family or friends, yet. My husband has shown a tentative curiosity about what I’ve been writing and said he admired my ability to express myself and tell a story, but at first didn’t realize that my blog was open to anyone to see. That part I don’t think he is completely comfortable with and has some fears of his own that we will have to work through.

The only other person to comment about my blog has been my dad(technically my step-dad to those who read my blog and are confused) and he commented on a few of the posts and recited a couple of the poems he has written that are very good. He has one about fishing that is amazing and he has sold some copies of it, but he recited two others I didn’t remember. Maybe we will write a father-daughter poetry book some day.

But now that my husband and my family are aware of this blog and some of my writing; I find that a different type of fear is at work now; I am self-censoring and self-conscience about what I am writing. Because if there are any people I “people-please” for its these people. This is going to be tough!

Do you share your writing with your friends and family? Is there anything you keep just for your self for just this reason?

I Can’t See

The older I get the harder it is for me to see. And when I try to read without my glasses on it gives me a massive headache. So I needed to get my eyes checked again and get new glasses, since I recently lost my last pair of prescription glasses and the Costco classics were no longer making the grade.

I went back to Pearle Vision, I had liked the Opthamaligist that had conducted my last eye exam nearly 4 years ago and she was still there, so I made an appointment. My eyes had gotten worse, but not that much worse according to the Doctor, which kind of surprised me. It felt like I couldn’t see almost anything without glasses and worse my distance vision was getting blurry too. uhg.

So, I had my exam and I decided to check out the glasses at Pearle Vision, since they had their usual buy-one-get-one free event in effect( small print – it is for the frames only not the lenses). But still two pairs of glasses would have cost me over $350 with insurance. That just seems like too much, it would have been even more if I had gotten the needed bifocals.

So, when I got home I decided to do some research on the internet about places and prices for glasses. I discovered Warby Parker.

Two super cute, very comfortable pairs of glasses with cases and cleaning cloths from Warby Parker without insurance came to under $250 dollars. They have a great try before you buy program, you go to their site pick out up to 5 frame styles that you would like to try and they mail them to you at no cost. You get to keep the glasses for 5 days so you can show your friends, try them on a couple of times, take a photo if you like and decide which ones are the winners. They give you a pre-paid label to mail them back too.

Once you’ve picked out the style you like, you can upload your prescription or give them your doctors contact information and they will get the prescription information for you. They also have readers or straight sunglasses too. It was all super easy, they even have a funky little three step process to get your pupil measurement, you do it on line; one, two, three with your webcam.

I received my two stylish and affordable pairs of glasses in about a week. I would highly recommend their service. I love my glasses so far and have gotten several complements already.

But the best part about getting my glasses from Warby Parker – for every pair of glasses they sell they give another pair to a person in need. How cool is that – I save money and help someone else see better too.

“Eyewear with a purpose
Almost one billion people worldwide lack access to glasses. This means that 15% of the global population cannot effectively learn or work – a problem that Warby Parker is determined to address. We’ve partnered with non-profits like VisionSpring to ensure that for every pair of glasses sold, a pair is distributed to someone in need.”

Where do you get your glasses?

Self Criticism and Some Instructions on Life

I recently started reading Anne Lamott’s, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life and coincidentally one of my favorite blogs, BrainPickings posted an article, The Definitive Manifesto for Handling Haters: Anne Lamott on Priorities and How We Keep Ourselves Small by People-Pleasing. The article calls out items from the book and some commentary from Ms. Lamott’s Facebook page.

‘What makes Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life (public library) so timelessly rewarding and one of the greatest books on writing of all time is that besides her wisdom on the craft, Lamott extends enormous sensitivity to and consolation for the general pathologies of the human condition — our insecurities, our social anxieties, our inner turmoils. Among her most powerful and memorable meditations in the book is that on how our perfectionism kills the creative spirit — something she revisited recently in a short essay on her Facebook page, spurred by a surge in negative comments and vicious troll attacks.“

I just finished reading the chapter on “Perfectionism” and I certainly recognized my self as I read those pages. My perfectionism has kept me from doing and trying so many things in my life; if I don’t think I can do something well or know how it works ahead of time I just don’t attempt it. I hate that about myself and want to jump in and try things that I never have and experience things that I have been too driven by the perfectionist tendencies; worrying about making mistakes, failing, looking foolish and so on, to get out there and just do them.

And another quote the article pulled from Ms. Lamott’s Facebook Page really struck this people pleaser.

“Do you mind even a little that you are still addicted to people-pleasing, and are still putting everyone else’s needs and laundry and career ahead of your creative, spiritual life? Giving all your life force away, to “help” and impress. Well, your help is not helpful, and falls short.“

People pleasing and perfectionism go hand-in-hand and I know began at an early age for me. As the first-born your every moment is watched, recorded, critiqued, praised or scorned and corrected. There is a little note in my baby book (see below) written by my mother that I came across awhile ago and this illustrates nicely how early my perfectionism and self criticisms started.

Self criticism started early.

Since my mother’s last entry in the book was around age three or just when I turned 4 after my brother was born; this “amusing saying” likely occurred around age 3. I spilled my coffee and milk (more on why my mother was giving a three-year old coffee in another post) and said to my self; “Christ sakes Shari” (more salty language). And I have certainly improved over the last 40 years, never really giving myself a break on anything.

I am going to get that “shitty first draft written“, keep writing and posting here and not let those voices in my head that are telling me I’m not good enough win.

I plan on releasing my copy of “Bird by Bird” on BookCrossing when I am finished, because I’m sure there is another aspiring writer or perfectionist that could use the help.

Do you suffer from perfectionist tendencies?

Random & Rhyme

Category Archives: A Better Life