Getting Grumpy

IMG_0098 Men get grumpy around age 70 – No Kidding!

A recent NPR piece caught my attention this week. The Grumpy Point: When a Man Turns 70. They were looking at a study published in the March 2014 issue of Psychology and Aging about how men approach their “Golden Years”. I wrote previously about how my husband is not very impressed with his “F’ing Golden Years“.

Gerontology professor, Carolyn Aldwin, from Oregon State University and the lead author on the study says;

““Some older people continue to find sources of happiness late in life despite dealing with family losses, declining health, or a lack of resources,” she said. “You may lose a parent, but gain a grandchild. The kids may leave the house, but you bask in their accomplishments as adults. You find value in gardening, volunteering, caregiving or civic involvement.”

Aging is neither exclusively rosy nor depressing, Aldwin said, and how you react to hassles and uplifts as a 55- to 60-year-old may change as you enter what researchers call “the fourth age,” from 75 to 100, based on your perceptions and/or your life experiences.”

“The Fourth Age” is an interesting concept, with more and more people getting to those magic numbers, but ill-equipped  for the costs mentally and physically of that age. My husband is in this group now and has definitely been experiencing the challenges that come with age; more health complications, his energy levels isn’t the same, he gets upset that his mind just isn’t as sharp as it used to be. He says his head still feels like he’s 40, but he definitely knows his body is now in “the fourth age” and it is tough on him.

Little things seem to upset him the way they never used to, silly stuff like spilling something or the dogs fighting or kids making noise in the neighborhood, he just no longer has a tolerance for any of it. The cranky curmudgeon is what I like to call him sometimes. The good thing is it generally only lasts a short time and then the mental laps kicks in and he forgets why he was mad in the first place.

Are you in the “Fourth Age” or dealing with someone that has gotten grumpy?

 

 

Character Development

   Developing my own character as a writer.

I have been trying to write regularly about any and everything to get in the habit of daily writing. Some of it is for this blog, some for me and some for that novel I always had running in my head. To keep me on track I have been checking out different writing and author sites and this one caught my attention, The Write Practice. They have a writers prompt that you get when you subscribe to their blog and they had an interesting article about using of the Proust Questionnaire to help you develop more deeply the characters in your story to help you get to know them better.

Some of you may know this questionnaire from the back page of Vanity Fair magazine or a version of it from Inside the Actors Studio where host James Lipton asks a version of the questionnaire that was used by a French show host named Bernard Pivot.

So I thought I would complete the questionnaire as the writer I want to be so that you can get to know me a little better. And if you are game; I would love for you to complete it too so that I can get to know you better.

What is your greatest fear?  Losing my mind
What is your current state of mind?  Stressed out
What is your favorite occupation?  Writer
What historical figure do you most identify with?  Katherine Hepburn, I am a bit of a ball buster too.
Which living person do you most admire?  Anyone you sacrifices to help others in need.
Who is your favorite fictional hero? Wonder Woman
Who are you real-life heroes? The police who sacrifice and take crap everyday
What is your most treasured possession? My family
When and where were you happiest?  Alone writing with a nice cup of coffee
What is your most obvious characteristic? Tall and talk a lot
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Smartass
What is the trait you most deplore in others? Cruelty to humans or animals
What is your greatest extravagance? None – I am a state employee that wants to write – I can’t afford extravagance.
What is your favorite journey? Any road trip
What do you most dislike about your appearance? Big nose and 20 extra pounds
What do you consider the most over-rated virtue? Hard worker
On what occasion do you lie? When it will hurt another’s feelings
Which words or phrases do you most over-use? “Living the Dream” and “SSDD”
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I wish I could sing!
What do you consider your greatest achievement? Being married to the same man for 24 years when everyone said it would never last.
Where would you like to live? Near the water
What is the quality you most admire in a man?  Humor and intelligence
What is the quality you most admire in a woman? Honesty and humor
What is it you most dislike?  Mans inhumanity to man.
What do you value most in you friends? That they continue to put up with me
How would you like to die?  quickly
If you were to die and come back as a person or an animal, what do you think it would be?  Rock star would be the wish, but likely a man with a bad attitude.
If you could choose an object to come back as, what would you choose? Big piece of busy machinery.
What is your motto, the words you live by or that mean a lot to you?  I try to remember to “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things!
Who has been the greatest influence on you? My family

What do you think, will you take the questionnaire?

Do You Meditate? Why Not – Everyone Else Is!

New England 2007-23  Do you meditate?

I don’t really, but I have been sorta of trying. It seems like every article or blog I read lately has something about meditating and how much it benefits your life.

Gwyneth Paltrow, the actress and lifestyle guru always has something “new age” on her site GOOP. This is from her New Years Resolution to start meditating post  and this excerpt is from Mark Epstein, MD the author of a number of books about the interface of Buddhism and psychotherapy.

“Meditation, as taught by the Buddha, was a means of taming the mind by bringing the entire range of thoughts, feelings and physical sensations into awareness, making the unconscious conscious. There were already various forms of meditation widely practiced in the Buddha’s day but they were all techniques of concentration. Buddha mastered each of them but still felt uneasy. It was fine to rest the mind on a single object: a sound (or mantra), a sensation (the breath), an image (a candle flame), a feeling (love or compassion), or an idea. This gave strength to the mind, a feeling of stability, of peace and tranquility, a sense of what Freud came to call the ‘oceanic feeling’. While this could be relaxing, it did not do enough to change the mind’s complexion. Buddha was after something more.”

Another blog I enjoy, Zenhabits, also had an article recently on “The Most Important Two Minutes of Your Life

I’ll save you the suspense: it’s two-minute meditation. And it’s extremely simple: take two minutes out of your extremely busy day (cat videos) to sit still and focus on your breath. Just keep the gentle fingertip of your attention on your breath as it comes into your body, and then goes out. When your mind wanders, take note of that, but then gently come back to the breath.

Almost all of the articles tout the ease as well as the difficulty of meditation, but how much better, uncluttered, relaxed, zen, etc, etc you will feel. And, if you practice often enough it will become a tool you can invoke at anytime.

Another article by Dan Hurley in the New York Times Magazine that had a section that took me a bit by surprise, it includes the work of psychologist Amishi Jha’s with the U.S. military, helping solders learn to meditate to better their performance in combat situations. An excerpt from the article;

We found that getting as little as 12 minutes of meditation practice a day helped the Marines to keep their attention and working memory — that is, the added ability to pay attention over time — stable,” said Jha, director of the University of Miami’s Contemplative Neuroscience, Mindfulness Research and Practice Initiative. “If they practiced less than 12 minutes or not at all, they degraded in their functioning.”

So much for new age, hippy dippy make yourself and the world more relaxed. The article also talks about some of the down sides of too much mindfulness; that it can inhibit your creativity and stifle your ability to let your mind wander to the benefit of your life. But the final paragraph from the article sums up the “sacrilege” versus using new tools to be better at what ever you do in life.

“After meditating upon such sacrilegious findings, no doubt the Buddha, who taught a middle way between worldly and spiritual concerns, would have agreed that there is a time for using mindfulness to discover inner truths, a time for using it to survive a battle or an exam and a time to let go of mindfulness so that the mind may wander the universe.”

I am generally a skeptic, but I have been so stressed out by almost every aspect of my life lately that a hint of desperation is setting in, I am going to give this a try in earnest. Beginning today, I am going to meditate everyday for at least 2 minutes. I will follow-up on my experience and progress or in my case probable ineptitude in some upcoming posts. namaste.

Do you meditate or practice mindfulness? How does it improve your life or maybe the lives of those around you?

 

Retirement

IMG_0559   That elusive day way off in the distance when I can give my suits to Goodwill, ride off into the sunset and do what I want. But what?

My husband, as I mentioned in a previous post, is a lot older than I am and can technically retire whenever he feels like it. A pension and social security are ready and waiting for the day he decides he doesn’t want to or can not work any longer. But he doesn’t want to retire just yet. He says “I’m not ready”, “What would I do with myself all day?” and  “I don’t want to just sit in the house and stare out the window until you come home from work.”  But what could he do with his time if he wasn’t working? He says he has no idea.

A recent New York Times article by Tara Siegel Bernard about Coping When Not Entering Retirement Together talks about the need to communicate, the feelings of guilt on the retirees part about spending money when the other spouse is still working and working out your schedules. An excerpt;

With more and more baby boomers retiring each year, either by choice or because they lost their jobs in the economic downturn, many couples must coexist, if only temporarily, in different phases of life. Living two different realities can lead to a variety of challenges, both financial and emotional, from brewing resentments about how a partner is spending free time, to how to reconcile the spending mind-set of a retiree and of someone still collecting a paycheck.

I would probably be a little jealous of his free time, but I also know he has more than earned the right to retire when he’s ready.

But I don’t want to get to 67 and not have that next thing to engage my life. In fact I want more things than work to engage in now; which is part of the reason I began this blog so that I can begin to enjoy one of my passions. Retirement is 20 years away, I don’t want to keep planning on living the way I want to in 20 years, I want to do it now. But how?

Also, there is “the bucket list”. I found several sites recently that are focused on helping and documenting people checking things off their bucket list. The Bucket List Society and The Bucket List Blog are a couple I found interesting. My list is long and mostly filled with places that I want to travel to; Scotland, Japan, Thailand, India, Vietnam, Peru, Venezuela, Cuba, Alaska, Kenya and on and on. I have two friends that are travel addicts and am quite envious before and after every trip they take.

I have been stuck for awhile, but I am slowly figuring out my next steps, what brings me fulfillment and happiness and I am evaluating what and who I want in my life and I am going to make those things happen.

Do you have a plan for life after retirement or to live the life you want now?

Some Day

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA   I married an older man. I mean classic cradle robbing older man younger woman kind of older man. I have loved him for nearly 30 years now and hope to love him for 30 more.
This week our lives changed, not in a major, sudden or dramatic way from an accident or an unexpected area of our lives, but from something we have been facing for nearly a year. I knew it was coming, really knew it would happen some day. Still, when “some day” actually arrived, no matter how much I thought I had prepared and planned for it, run it through my mind, it still made me catch my breath, stopped my heart a bit and unsettled me.
I have been on the verge of crying most of the week. Crying for my husband who is handsome, smart and very special who now will have to carry an oxygen tank with him everywhere he goes, who on hearing the news asked to cancel our impending road trip, doesn’t know how to deal with the questions that will come at work and I think is just plain scared about the path ahead in these “f’ ing golden years” as he likes to say. But also on the verge of crying a little bit for myself and feeling guilty for it, because it’s not me with the lifestyle alteration, it’s him with the tank, not me. But it feels like it is me, with the limits being put on my life too. Now I’m tethered to my home, my world shrinking, options and doors being closed.
Like I said, I knew this day would come, it was inevitable. I planned for it, was warned of it, recognized it and still I am in a daze.